During the last 5 years or so I have learned a lot about myself. I learned things that I wish I had known when I was younger, that I wish my parents had known when I was a child.
One of the signs that something was wrong was that at times people would talk to me but I would not notice. Back then my excuse was “oh, I thought you were talking to someone else” and that’s what I believed too. In some cases I would not “notice” even if the person were in front of me. This one’s a bit harder to explain, but it’s like their voices were muted. Other than that I didn’t really think anything was wrong with me. I had even passed the rigorous medical exams required to enlist in the army. I was definitely healthy on that aspect.
At one point I did some googling - thinking I could be seriously insane. And all signs pointed to Attention Deficit Disorder. The more I read the more sense it made. So I arranged an appointment with a doctor some family members and friends recommended. The results were, to be sincere, disappointing. The “diagnosis” was based on a silly quiz not unlike those you take on Facebook. I was expecting to have my brain thoroughly scanned and stuff. Instead, the whole conversation revolved about how I was doing in school. At the time I was in school, and I wasn’t doing that good. Then he went on about this theory that he had about how ADD worked. The way he saw it, it’s an illness that affects your field of vision. Yes, according to my brain doctor, my eyes are borked, this based on a quiz about how distracted or clumsy I am. It’s really hard to project sarcasm in writing, so I’ll be direct: I thought he was full of shit. I still do. He also refused to discuss the possibility of me being depressed, probably thinking I was trying to get some of the good stuff… you know, happy pills.
He gave me a prescription but the side effects were so horrible I will not discuss them here. On my next appointment he gave me something else. On my third appointment we discussed how the medication was working. I told him how I was mostly disappointed and felt exactly the same. Not as aware as, say, a normal human being. He went on about how to manage at school, though. Ok, so I was not doing well in school, but I wanted to know why was it that I was always late for work and other weird stuff my brain did, or seemed unable to. He went back to the field of vision thesis and even drew some diagrams.
I left and never went back. I never finished that jar of pills. I kept on googling.
This was a couple years ago, a few months back I decided to seek professional help again. This time because I knew I was definitely depressed. I mean, people don’t normally burst into tears over a spilled soda, right? So I picked a random psychiatrist (I spelled it right the first time!) from the list of providers, called in sick and went. I was glad because I filled a quiz in the waiting room about my current mood that would probably save me the trouble of explaining how I was depressed. Just gimme some happy pills and I’ll call you in the morning! All right, I like this approach!
Boy was I in for a big surprise! Did I mention I was like 2 hours late? Well when she let me in she asked (nicely) what happened. Well, I explained exactly what happened and she said (we were still in the hallway on the way to the office) “Should I give you a drive-trough diagnosis?” Whuh? Wait a minute... is that empathy I perceive?
Our conversation felt like we were actually going somewhere. Then she did the unthinkable. She pulled out a book with pictures of brain scans! BRIGHT, GLORIOUS, COLORFUL BRAIN SCANS (which I never thought of googling)! Yes! I could see the brain on the right was not working the same as the one on the left! “You see?” I told myself “I’m not making this up!”
I wanted to get up, grab the book, and rub it (more like grind it) against the faces of my mom, my wife, my boss, my friends… I just wanted to beat people up with that book. I felt like putting a bullet between the eyes of every Panda that wouldn't screw to save its species. I wanted to open the dump valves on oil tankers and smother all the French beaches I'd never see. I wanted to breathe smoke. I felt like destroying something beautiful.
I didn’t though, but I probably should. At least show them the pictures.
The most fascinating part was when at the end she pulled out the sheet with the quiz from my file and said “Yeah, you’re very depressed.” My depression had become a secondary subject!
For the moment I’m being treated for depression, and I gotta admit I feel a lot better, though at times I worry I may be in a false state of happiness and ignoring the ugly truth, though my medication should also help with motivation. Hmm… maybe that’s how I got around to writing this?
Anyways, back on subject: What I have read and observed, backed by a clinical diagnosis, have changed the way I see everything. Now I know why I’m always running late, why my average job lasts about a year and why my mom used to yell at me for being so lazy. I know why I’m always losing things, why I’ll place things where they eventually fall and break, why I get so irritable at times. I see now why I seldom finish what I start, and why I’m such a bad self-critic. It’s clear now why I don’t have any close friends, why my phone never rings. I learned that I am perceived by most as foolish, crazy, lazy and generally evil. I also learned there is no cure.
In my own world I’m pretty happy. ADD gives me the gift of resilience. Tough times come and I make it through. I do what I feel like and “block out” what doesn’t matter to me. But when there’s other people involved, that’s when I’m screwed: I don’t listen. I’m messy. I’m clumsy. I blurt out things without thinking. I forget things. I don’t do what I’m expected to do. I don’t play along. I don’t get the joke. I’m a jerk.
It’s at times like this that I wish I had been born with a “real” condition. Something that was evident at plain sight. Something people would not hold me responsible for, something people could understand. I mean no disrespect if you suffer from a very serious illness or disability, but I can guarantee I’ve at one point or another felt 10 times as miserable. The reasoning behind this is that any other illness evokes empathy, whereas mine evokes apathy.
Nobody likes a guy that doesn’t pay attention, unless he’s deaf, in that case they’ll learn sign language, because it’s not his fault he can’t listen. Nobody wants a friend that doesn’t call on their birthday, unless they were at the hospital or something, in that case they’ll go and visit, because it’s not his fault. No parent would be proud of a college dropout that can’t keep a job for more than a year, unless he were retarded, in that case they’d take care of him until they die of old age, because it’s not his fault. I could go on forever.
And that exactly is the reason I’m writing this. This needs to stop. Not for me, but for every other ADD/ADHDer out there. People got to stop calling us stupid because odds are we’re smarter. They got to stop calling us lazy because we work real hard… we just don’t like wasting time in chores that are pointless, and if anyone listened they’d understand WHY it’s pointless and how much time and energy is being wasted. This needs to stop NOW. When I was a child, there was no such thing as ADD… if you showed symptoms it meant your mom had to hit you harder and more often. Breakthroughs have been made, but we’re not even halfway there.
My goal is for employers to grasp this concept, and instead of firing employees for being 5 minutes late (like it really makes a difference, geez!) they start letting them stay 5 minutes late to make up for it and let them do the splendid work they can do once they don’t have to worry about pointless stuff such as being 5 minutes late. My goal is for teachers to recognize this gift at an early point in a student’s life and help the child exploit it, rather than send them to the director’s office for not paying attention. My dream is for people to stop thinking about ADD/ADHD as a disability but as a gift. My goal is for parents to realize their child is not a curse, but a blessing, and to realize the damage they can do their self-esteem if they don’t. My dream is for this condition to be further researched, because up to this moment the so called subject-matter experts have no clue what it’s all about.
In order to achieve this we need to stick together. We need to create awareness. We need to start working. This is my grain of salt. I will continue writing and sharing my experiences, and that of my children who have been diagnosed. I will continue to share my ideas on what can be done. I will try to spread the word. But I need your help. Post your comments, join our community, and stay tuned for more. This is gonna be huge! It has to be.
